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Don’t push me ‘cause I’m close to the edge…

WARNING: Contains a fuck load of swearing and I’m not going to apologise for it. There, you have been warned.

Today’s edition I was intending to write about the diet I’ve started, but I’m going to have to leave that for another episode because all I’ve been able to write about is my lack of caffeine. So here you go.

This week I started a new diet, the “South Beach Diet”. It’s all about not eating bad carbs and shit like that whilst still eating lots of protein. It’s going alright in terms of food; the main issue I’m having at the moment is the total and complete lack of CAFFEINE! For 2 weeks I have to drink decaf! DECAF! I mean what’s the fucking point of drinking coffee if you don’t get the buzz right? It’s just brown sludge otherwise.

I honestly didn’t think it was going to be a problem because I’d be concentrating on eating weird shit and not eating sugar, but my God it’s been the worst 4 days of my life so far! (Yes it’s a massive exaggeration but don’t fucking push me right now!) Quitting smoking was way easier than this! I didn’t get twitchy legs and hands after just 24 hours without a tab, or a 3 day headache. I’ve even found it difficult to concentrate when people are talking to me coz my mind is just going on crazy trails to fuck knows where but it certainly isn’t paying attention to my boss. I must seem like a ignorant twat when having to ask the same question 4 times…IN A ROW! Seriously, what the fuck is going on?

Also, I’ve had this internal monologue running since about hour 12, which is basically just swear words, over and over, mixed with a few nouns and verbs, or just swear words as nouns and verbs. And it’s running at a million miles an hour. I thought things were supposed to slow down once the caffeine was out of my system, not speed up. I can hardly type fast enough to keep up with the constant flow of angry, expletive ridden nonsense that just keeps coming! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I’m angry. I mean really FUCKING ANGRY! And not my usual grumpy-bastard-angry, proper rip-your-head-off-and-shit-down-your-neck-angry. I had a little melt down on day 2 over some pissy little argument and had to take myself off for a time-out. I was actually shouting, it was like an episode of Jeremy Kyle! Then, when I was at the bus stop in Headingley, surrounded by irritating wankers that didn’t seem to know how a fucking queue works, I had to go to the shop and buy Christmas decorations just to avoid the swearing under my breath getting too loud. I was starting to feel like one of those crazy drunks that argue with themselves.

And this is all over the lack of caffeine. It’s ridiculous! I just hope to God that this doesn’t last much longer coz I honestly feel like I’m going insane. I’m guessing this is how and why the 2 weeks of the strict Phase 1 works, you’re not bothered about not having bread or potatoes or crap like that, your brain is so focussed on not having the 1 stimulant it’s legally allowed during work hours, it slowly implodes under the pressure of keeping the motor running on its own. And no I don’t think I need to take a long hard look at the amount of caffeine I consume thank you very much, you try living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and then you can tell me I don’t need it! So fuck you!

Erm, that’s it I guess…

  1. kittywake posted this